To my fellow weirdos.

Had some self discovery. And the main point is, that the shit that I like, most people either have no idea what it is, or they do and just think I'm weird. AND the things that most people DO like, I don't. Pink Floyd is my perfect example. I HATE Pink Floyd. To me, it is just a series of sound effects. If I turn in the radio, and the actual singing part of wish you were here is on, I won't turn it off. Mostly because it reminds me if my friend, Gregor. But whatever. The movie-stand by me.  I hate that movie. I can't make it five minutes with that shit on. I've never seen Heathers or Fast Times at Ridgemont High. So when people mention it, I'm oblivious. Even though that's my age group. I was busy watching the three stooges, the Marx brothers, and Monty Python at that time. On VHS. 

So I can basically only really relate to other weirdos. Or people who I made weirdos by hanging out with me. Would Amis have ever learned about Mystery Science Theater 3000 without me?? Maybe. Her dad had a lot of tapes. If you've never seen Malibu express, I can't say I recommend it. Unless you're twelve and want to see some boobies. 

Hair on the face

If you are a woman under the age of thirty, you won't know what I'm talking about. Most of you, anyway. But you should keep reading, cuz I'm about to tell you about your future. One day, you'll be looking in the mirror, or driving in the car, and notice, for the first time ever, that you have a mustache that would make a 14 year old boy green with envy. You had convinced yourself it was just a shadow, and now you see it. You realize you have been in direct sunlight while in front of other people. Now you're sure they were never laughing at your jokes, or listening to a word you say for that matter, but just staring at the hair on your upper lip blowing in the wind. There's bleach for this problem, but I'm afraid it just makes it worse. The hair is still there, but because it's not bleach blond to clear, it glistens in the sunlight. Plus, then you have to touch up the roots. Soooo there's also hair burning cream. If you're blond, this is a good choice. It'll burn right off. If you are very dark brunette, not so much. You will have to also burn your skin. It says maximum time is 4 minutes or something. Yeah. Try 10. Burned skin, no stache.  Sacrifices. Even then, there will still be a few hairs, and let's be honest, it's fairer to call them whiskers, that will not be phased by the burning. Waxing is the best choice, just don't have anywhere to go for two hours after. Cuz your upper lip will be bright red and shiny. A few years later, you'll discover your first chin hair. Whisker. Sorry. You will touch your face one day, and find that you just tore your finger open on a piece of wire that is growing out of your face. You will focus on little else until you can get to a mirror. You could be walking the tight rope at the circus, feel that whisker, and it'll be the only thing on your mind. You'll probably die. So don't touch your face when tight rope walking. When you get to your mirror, tweezers in hand, you'll be ready for battle. Thing is, you an only feel it. You can't see it. So you keep feeling, trying to grab it with the tweezers, but mostly pinching bits of skin no where near the whisker. When you do find it, you'll be surprised to find out that it's root is in your mandible. You'll know this because A-it's going to take awhile. That fucker isn't coming out in one pull. Noooo. It's gonna fight you all the way. Then, when you win(and sometimes your chin is bleeding, so it's more like losing), this thing you could barely get a grip on, not even visible, turns out to be eyelash length, and jet fucking black. You push on it to try and bend it, and stab your finger. It has the tensile strength of two hundred captain America shields. It will be horrifying. And it's only the beginning. Men don't have to deal with unnatural hair. They say they do, because if ear hair. Ear hair? Are you fucking kidding me. They can have hair in their pits, hairy fucking legs, hairy bodies. They can look like someone tarred his crotch, then dumped a whole garbage bag of hair clippings from a black barber shop, and it's not unnatural.  Unattractive? Yes. But they're men. 

Just thought I'd share....

I forgot to talk about vagina hats....remind me.

So many thoughts I had to hit down to remember...my sister came over yesterday, and kid 3's Hulk fists were on the couch. She told us we shouldn't leave our sex toys laying around. An then all I could think was, if I were a gyno, I could use these. With only certain patients, though. The ones who don't suck. Walk Into the room with the Hulk fists on. With rubber gloves over them. Say hi, open two five gallon buckets of KY, and dunk em in. Ready for your exam?? 

I would think that was awesome. 

Then. I remembered I have a paper mâché mold of my belly when I was pregnant with kid 3. Boobs and all. And I had plans for it, but now it's just in the closet collecting dust. So, I feel like I need to do something with it. Like make a chip and dip bowl. Two dips, one big ass chip bowl. OR I would paint it, anatomically correct, and wear it at his graduation. The ultimate embarrassment. And then, on his 21st birthday, we could make it into a piñata. I don't know. What the hell else am j supposed to do with it?!

Then! A book. I don't know if it's more for stoners, or more for kids. A book, about stoner problems, written in a kid book format. You can teach kids to read, OR entertain high people. Dual purpose book. Kid format. See Dwayne? Dwayne runs slow. See Dwayne look for his keys. His keys are on the table in front of him. Dwayne does not see his keys. Dwayne get upset. Dwayne lost his keys. Sally sees Dwayne's keys. Sally laughs at Dwayne. Dwayne sees his keys. Dwayne laughs at Dwayne. 

Good book. 

There is a very real experiment going on in my house, and when I have the results, you will be alerted.