I discovered I had a UTI this morning. As did everyone else in the house when I was yelping from the bathroom. Meds on the way! Then kid 2 informs me that it burns when she pees. And I'm like-huh. So after I take her to urgent care for a UA, and the doc leaves the room to get her prescription, I start telling kid 2 about all the various aspects of a gynecological exam, because she wanted to know what that big lamp on a telescoping pole was. I told her-that's the navigator eye. Told her first, they make you get naked, except your socks. If you're not wearing socks, I does feel like your more naked, oddly. Then they give you a bounty paper towel to cover up with. Not a problem if you're thumbalina. So you'll try to decide which part to cover, for about 20 minutes. That's standard procedure waiting time for OB/GYN doctors. When they grace you with their presence, they grope your chest, then pull out the stirrups. If you're lucky, they'll have little pads on them, advertising some wonder drug. If not, foot on metal. The doc will tell you to scoot farther down, several times, until you're about to fall off the table. They'll talk casual while they ram their fingers up your front butt and press on your stomach with all the power of Thor. Then......out comes the speculum! It's like a cold steel seagull. After squirting a tube and a half of KY on that sucker, it's time to turn your vag into a wind tunnel. Instinct tells you to push it out on the floor, but they frown upon that. You'll feel the heat from the glare of the navigator eye. Then she'll stab you with a giant pipe cleaner. All done! Now you figure out the bounty paper towel is for cleaning the 16 ounces of lube off your crotch. All for naught, too, cuz you'll still feel like the selected recipient in a circle jerk for the rest of the day.
Scary, right?
She says-it sucks to be a girl. Why don't guys have to do that stuff?
Good question. They do, I tell her. When they're 40, doctors have to stick their fingers up guys butts.
That's it??
When dad had his vasectomy, he had to use the stirrups.
Vasectomy?
Yes, vasectomy.
Oh! You mean when they cut Dad's ball off?
Don't say balls! And they didn't cut them off!
She asked me why I didn't get "spayed", and first I explained to her that I wasn't a dog. Then I said, what if something happened to dad, and I met this wonderful guy who wanted to have more kids? She said she wouldn't want me to marry anyone else...........unless he was rich.
Girls learn young, don't they?!
No better way to cover up your personality flaws than with hundred dollar bills!
I'm kidding, of course. That would be deplorable and vile.
A credit card can go so much farther.
Anywhooooo she eventually asked when you have to start going to that doctor. I told her-when you have sex. You have to go every week.
I think I made my point. Kid is scared into celibacy.
