The stories behind: Why I hate the gynecologist. When I was 16, I found that tampons were difficult to insert. I felt like I was hitting something. Little did I know, the instructions require you to bend a certain way. Irrelevant. My point is, I was scared I had some kind of growth. It should be noted that I was in reform school, at the time. So I told the reform school nurse about it, and she scheduled me an appointment with the gyno. My parents were never asked, this strikes me as odd. Anyway, the big day comes, and they call me back. Time to put on the giant 1/2 ply paper towel; you're allowed to leave your socks on, which doesn't make you feel any less naked. Prop up on the table, and look up. There is a poster, the kind from the school book fair, of a kitten in a shoe. Like I'm 5, and at the dentist. Then doc walks in, a woman, older, non threatening looking. Whew. I have my 3 interns with me today, they're going to observe, she says. Uhhhh. In walks three young men med students. Then she proceeds to hand me a mirror, so I can see what I was hitting with the tampon, was my cervix. (I was in reform school, so cut me some slack) The good news is-it wasn't a tumor. Bad news...all of it. Just bad. I vow to never go again. Years later, after my future husband and I had managed to luck the fuck out for 8 months, didn't even use the tried and true pull out method, I decided I should probably get on the pill. I waltz in to planned parenthood, and fill out their info. I get called back, cover up with the one square if toilet paper they have me, and recline. No kitten on the ceiling. Good. I'm walks xena the warrior princess after menopause. This is a behemoth woman. With hands like Andre the giant. So that was uncomfortable. When I got pregnant with the boys, I went to a real doctor. Short dude with big hands. Asked me if I had any questions while he was closing the door to leave. Ass. Went to someone else with Maddie. Nice woman. But she may, or may not, but probably may have had Alzheimer's. And she was slow. First time to see her, she talks nice, then moves I to position. I hear her open the drawer of speculums, then a lot if clanging. Things are clanging, like she's wrestling with them. She grabs the biggest speculum she has, and cranks that sucker open. Is she ready to do the pap? No. Nothing is ready. So she proceeds to prep, and talk to me, and I pushed that damn thing out. She turns around and says-a little tense? Uh, just a bit! You just turned my vagina into a wind tunnel! How can that possibly be so uncomfortable, when they use at least two economy size tubes of ky to put it in?? They use so much lube that you feel unclean for two whole days, no matter how many times you shower.
Those are just most of the reasons. Being a girl sucks.
Men don't have to be molested til they're 40, and they won't even admit they kinda liked having a finger up their ass. I wanted to be at j's vasectomy so bad. Just to see him in stirrups. While someone scrutinizes his junk. They gave him Valium to take before hand. Why doesn't the gyno give out Valium?? I'm sure I'd never launch another speculum again!
The other thing I hate about the gyno is waiting. My appointment is at noon, and I'm still sitting there at 2:00, because some inconsiderate baby decided to make its appearance RIGHT THEN. Rude.
