Learned two things in class yesterday. 1. When john Wayne died, they removed 20 pounds of fecal matter from his colon. 20 fucking pounds of shit. My first thought way-damn. That is one big shit baby. It's not even a baby, anymore. A shit toddler. He must've felt bloated as fuck. My second thought way-why?! Is that common practice when you die? They clean your colon? And weigh it?! Or did they just want to see the kind of epic shit John Wayne kept in his rectum? Maybe they were expecting to find the corpses of outlaws. I don't get it. I declare, here and now, NO ONE is to weigh the contents of my colon when I die. Or ye suffer ten thousand curses.
Second thing learned. I have to do a research paper on a disease caused by some kind of bacterium. Ok. Normal. I ALSO have to do a poster to go along with it. A mother fucking poster. Are you wondering if I'm in 5th grade?? A fucking poster! In a college microbiology course! And the pasts years posters are actually hanging on the walls at school. And I walk past them, and laugh. Glitter letters, puff paint, hand drawn diagrams. The whole nine yards of an elementary school art show. If I have to make a poster, I'm going to pick the sickest disease ever, and the whole poster will be a print out of a giant, flesh wound oozing pus and blood. Or I'll make it the most obnoxious thing ever. Like I'm running for student body president. Maybe some LED lights....
I am not making a fucking poster. Not gonna do it. Read my lips.
And that, ladies and gentleman, is what I learned in college.
