Lesson learned: do NOT put on a lava mask, and then decide to have some salad and then get into a deep discussion about the ineptness of college course requirements. (Salad: n. 1. green and red fibered leaves, 2. Mental aptitude enhancer.) Because of these events: not remembering you have lava mud on your face, that will dry. And it dries hard, but you don't notice until you laugh really hard, or make a ridiculous face, during which you can feel canyons being torn in your face by the force of your skin splitting into its natural wrinkles. So you go to wash it off....the mask is now volcanic rock. You will be reminded of this the next morning, when you discover your entire face is red and angry, because you rubbed it RAW. Pleasantly smooth, but only because your skin hasn't started making chapped lip scabs all over your face.
It's probably best to just avoid any hygienic task after having salad. Leg shaving. Standing in the shower. Baths would be lethal. I take that back. Brush your teeth. It'll be so minty. And you won't feel like an opossum shit in your mouth the next morning. Worth the hassle of having to move your hand up and down and pay attention for a minute. That sounds like a horrible sentence....
Maybe it's just me.
I can't think of another thing that's worth that hassle.
Sometimes kids are jerks. Just jerks. And they know it. And they do it on purpose. And then you have to lose your temper, and throw their Optimus prime mask out the front door into the bushes. If they would just listen, I'd be so much calmer. But I think they only hear me when I yell. Adolescent auditory disease. Or disorder, because it must go away at some point. If I tell you to get your shoes on, and you go and actually put your shoes on, the next thing I'll say is-alright, let's go! But if I tell you to get your shoes on, and 5 minutes later you come waltzing into the living room eating fruit snacks, with NO DAMN SHOES ON YOUR FEET, now I'm forced to get a little louder. Put! Your shoes! On! Your feet! Oh yeah, they say. 5 minutes later, when I have to go FIND them, and there they are. Sitting on the edge of the bed watching a mighty putty commercial. With no fucking shoes on. So. Now it's yelling time. Irrational caveman yelling. SHOES! NOW! MOVE IT! DAH! OOOOH!
Then they look at you, like it's the first time they're hearing about this whole shoes thing. Whoa, mom is nuts. You can see that thought in a little bubble above their heads, it's that clear.
Then the awkward drive in the car. Once you all finally make it to the car. Loud music. Until there's a noise coming from the backseat. So you turn down the radio, and find it was just the little one asking "why is a pine tree?" For which there is NO answer. And "I don't know" doesn't cut it. So, while you're trying to enjoy your fuming, you now have to make something up. On the spot. Inevitably, you will say something that will provoke yet another unanswerable question.
