Autocorrect. Ugh.

At this moment, I am horribly annoyed with my autocorrect. It has gotten smart enough to always change duck to fuck. It just did three times. My phone is smart enough to have learned that I mostly mean to type fuck. It CAN'T, however stop interchanging words like if and of, not and bit, so and do, etc. And those are words that completely change the sentence, or just make you sound like retard. And reading my old blog posts makes me angry. Because of all the autocorrecting bullshit. I AM typing this in my little phone. That's my defense. Another example! I meant on! So this is my public apology. I'm really not an idiot. 

Fantasy Celebrity Family Tree

Translation:

Step grandparents 1: Jessica Walters & Coach Q

Mother's parents: Betty White & Da Coach

Step grandparents 2: Anne Meara & James Earl Jones

Father's parents: Oprah & Morgan Freeman

Mother: Julie Louis-Dreyfus 

Father: Tom Hanks

Step father: The Rock

Step mother : Tina Fey

My husband: Tom Hiddleston

Tim's wife: Jennifer Lawrence

Megan's husband: Chris Evans

Uncles: Samuel L Jackson, Si, Jeff Bridges, Nick Offerman, Ron White, Neal Patrick-Harris 

Aunts: Cathy Bates, Julia Roberts, Lisa Kudrow, Sandra Bollock, Ellen DeGeneres

Step siblings: James Franco, Jason Sudekas, Chris Pratt

Great grandparents: Mel Brooks & Julie Andrews

Cold

Let me elaborate on why cold sucks. Stupid hats. Only 5% of the world population looks good in hats. Not baseball hats, but winter fucking hats. Unless you're a kid. Then tassels with dingle balls looks totally acceptable. Beanie caps?? They need a rubber lining to keep them on your fucking head, so you don't end up looking like a used condom every five fucking minutes. And NO ONE looks good in a ski mask. No one.  We've all seen cops. I have a pink camouflage fleece hat, with ear flaps. Given to me by a guy, who I love, but I also want to tear his still beating heart out of his chest most of the time. It's warm as hell. But everyone calls it my seizure helmet. Cuz it looks fucking ridiculous. Sooo hats. 

Cold. My hands and feet are shockingly cold in the summer, but when it's cold?! Oh man. I could give usain bolt a cardiac arrest. Husband says it's because I have ice in my veins. Nonsense. 

Dressing children to go outside. Summer? Easy. Winter? It's an exposition. So many clothes. And whoever thought it was a good idea to make kid sized gloves must've never put a fucking glove on a tiny hand that's nerves have obviously not developed enough to make them spread their fingers, 5 of them, into the 5 damn holes. It's worse than trying to dress a Polly pocket. Mittens. Mittens until they're 16. Or they figure out how to put it on with zippo help from me. Plus, the giant winter coat makes it so they can no longer put their seat belt on themselves, because they can barely move. Which means I have to stay outside longer, because he won't put his butt in the seat because he thinks he saw a gobstopper roll under the passenger seat. This is annoying. 

Ice. Ice comes from cold. Ice was fun when I was little. When I ran to slip on it ON PURPOSE. Ice is not fun now. Walking into a store, a little slip, and you pull a groin trying to regain your footing. Kids have he right idea. They just fall. Then we say-quit foolin around! Get up! That's gotta be better than a pulled groin. But if grown people fall, most of the time I'll laugh. And I know someone would laugh at me, so I make every effort to NOT fall, and carry on like nothing happened. Being a grown up sucks. But not as bad as ice. Ice also sucks because it happens on roads. Where I drive. And that is just an ass puckering moment when you go to stop, and you're not fucking stopping. You have no control over when that damn car stops. Then it does stop, and it's such a freaking relief. You feel silly. Until the next stop sign, when you remember too late that it's icy. I hit our mailbox once, just slid right into the damn thing. Knocked it a little off its base, only needed a little fixin. I told husband, and he said "what did you do that for?" Yeah. Well, It flipped me off, and I didn't like it! Fuck that mailbox! Fuck the cold! 

I don't do positive well.

I suppose I should try to be more positive in these posts. It's hard when people are so stupid. But it's hard to be negative when you spent all day in bed, drinking mimosas, smoking pot, and watching that 70s show. In a bikini. During severely cold weather. Because fuck you, winter. 

So positive didn't last that long...

But I can tell you things I love.  My family, house, etc. Of course. 

I love the smell of my dad's old baseball mitt, especially if I can smell fresh cut grass at the same time. Ahh. The outfield. I love finding a song I just fucking love, and playing the hell out of it. Being in the car alone, and jamming the fuck out. I love having my hair played with, and getting my back scratched. If I ever won the lotto, I'd pay someone to play with my hair til I fell asleep every night. I love feeling little gas bubbles in my stomach, they remind me of the first time you feel your baby move. I love the sounds of a wooden bat on a baseball, the sound helmets make when they slam into each other, the sound of a slap shot, bowling pins falling down, and slow piano songs.  I love my toes in the sand, and that awesome relaxed exhaustion you feel after finally taking a shower, after spending all day in the sun and water. It's like being high without smoking a thing. 

That was a lot of positive. Now it just seems like one of those fucktard Facebook posts. Like if you also like liking things! I keep certain "friends" on there, because I would miss so much stupidity if I delete them. The horrible spelling and grammar, the millions of selfies that make it obvious there begging for a donation of plastic surgery. Their sob stories. They're entertaining. And that's about it. 

A lot of things.

Infomercials will most definitely be shown on high tv. The really ridiculous ones. Billy Mayes shit. The one for the hand held sewing machine, that shows a woman trying to hold up a real sewing machine to fix her curtains. While they're still hanging. Doh! Or for the pot with the lid that has holes in it. Her family is all seated at the table waiting for dinner, and she goes to drain the pasta and dumps it all in the sink. Her family disapproves. She's the worst woman ever UNTIL she gets the holey pot. Then her family loves and appreciated her. A miracle! They should call it the holy pot. 

Speaking of holy pot, husband read that 37 people died of marijuana overdose on the first day of sale in Colorado. Which means the anti-pot community is just getting desperate with their advertising. No one dies from pot. You may have to remind yourself to breath from time to time, but that's only because you are hyper aware of the fact that you are already breathing! They need to get the reefer madness production team out of the drawing room. The only reason they don't like pot is because they've never tried it. Or because they did once, but it was laced with pcp, then they flipped a Volkswagen upside down and punched a cop. While I can definitely see why that would suck, no one is trying to legalize pcp. That would be retarded. 

Which brings me to my final topic: snow. White, glorious, devil in disguise, fucking snow. I hate snow. I hate cold. I need to live somewhere that I can have as little clothes on as possible. And fuck shoes. I couldn't leave the house, today. And I won't be able to leave for two days because our culdesac  has a drift in it that could sink the titanic. And then there's the wind chill. Go outside for 15 minutes, and they'll have to amputate your face. If husband had a heart attack right now, an ambulance wouldn't be able to get to our house. Wait a minute.....

No. No! I would totally shove a bottle of aspirin down his throat until they arrived. Two days from now. Juuuuuust trying to help. 

Anyway, I fucking hate snow. I love sledding, for the 5 seconds you're going down the hill. It's awesome! Unless it's super powdery snow, and you're in the front of the sled. Then you look like Santa Claus when you finally stop. Hope it's not because of a tree, or patch of bushes, because sleds have a mind of their own. I don't think they like us sitting on their backs and smashing them in snow. So they try to kill us, by suddenly turning towards the giant pile of dead tree limbs. Or at least poke our eye in. After all that fun, you have to go back UP. Carrying an awkward sled. And mother fuck if it slips out of your hand when you're halfway up the goddamn hill. Weeeeeeee all the way down it goes. Fucking great. Like my thighs weren't burning enough from mountain climbing in Herman Munster boots. And then there's the snot. The never ending snot. Shoot all the snot rockets you want, do the best cleanup job you can with your glove, you're still going to look like a snail in heat molested your face. AND sledding is dangerous. Me and Amis stole someone's old fashioned metal and wood sled , and took it to the biggest hill on the golf course. We didn't see that there was a little golf cart road going thru the middle of the hill...until right before the iron runners of the sled hit it. Sled stopped dead. Not us. We went much further. I thought I broke my arm, I was stuck in an orange green protecting fence. We were both fine. But I laughed so hard I pissed myself. You have too many clothes on for that nonsense. My pants could've frozen, and then I'd have to have a frostbit labia removed. Then people would start calling me one lip slick or something. And my feelings would be hurt. So people, please, don't allow yourself to be pulled in by the cool image of sledding. Fight that peer pressure! Sledding is dangerous, and it kills. 

(This message brought to you by the Anti-Marijuana Coalition of America) (who also now is against snow, specifically enjoying snow) (AMCA-ASSES) (.com)

Bacon bowls. Yum.

Just saw an infomercial loft the bacon bowl. And wow. That's fucking ingenious. I wanted to devour it. They should probably ditch their advertising point that it serves the perfect portion of Mac n cheese, tho. Like if you're trying to count calories. Don't eat too much Mac n cheese, bacon bowl is the perfect serving size! But it's fucking in a bowl if bacon. Sounds delicious, but if I'm eating things out of bowls made of bacon, clearly I'm not concerned with calories. Or hardened arteries. 

My New Years resolution is to buy a bacon bowl maker. Also, to eat more bacon. And bacon makes me happy. 

Someone I know resolved to not yell at her kids for an entire year. And I kind of feel like I need to report her to a child labor task force, because she has obviously leased them to a foreign country for the year. I could not yell at my kids if I never saw them. No problem.  That resolution would last an hour for me. No one hears me unless I'm yelling and flailing like one of those dancing wind socks they put in front of car dealerships. Even those look more controlled than I do. 

It's really only a matter of time before I have a psychotic episode. Families are fun. In my defense, I did not go crazy willingly. I was driven to the front door of crazy, and I have been sitting on the curb waiting for my ride home for years. I don't think anyone is coming. 

High TV

High tv. I must give the little Indian credit, this is our love child. TV, a whole channel, for high people. Game shows, reality shows, high vs. not high contests, movie night featuring awesome high movies with commentary from high people during commercial breaks. And we would have NO problem finding people to advertise on our channel. Doritos could make a commercial just for us, and all it is, is a picture of a chip. For fifteen seconds, a high def look at a Dorito. They'd sell so many Doritos. I have so many ideas for this channel. And I wouldn't just be the president, I'd also be a client. You could get high by yourself, but not really be by yourself! All your high tv friends would be there to entertain you! In the corner, as the channel logo, would be a little icon of Seth Rogan laughing. Naturally, him and James Franco would have to be part of this channel. If anyone ever develops this channel without me, I will use this post as evidence that I had the idea first.