Cold

Let me elaborate on why cold sucks. Stupid hats. Only 5% of the world population looks good in hats. Not baseball hats, but winter fucking hats. Unless you're a kid. Then tassels with dingle balls looks totally acceptable. Beanie caps?? They need a rubber lining to keep them on your fucking head, so you don't end up looking like a used condom every five fucking minutes. And NO ONE looks good in a ski mask. No one.  We've all seen cops. I have a pink camouflage fleece hat, with ear flaps. Given to me by a guy, who I love, but I also want to tear his still beating heart out of his chest most of the time. It's warm as hell. But everyone calls it my seizure helmet. Cuz it looks fucking ridiculous. Sooo hats. 

Cold. My hands and feet are shockingly cold in the summer, but when it's cold?! Oh man. I could give usain bolt a cardiac arrest. Husband says it's because I have ice in my veins. Nonsense. 

Dressing children to go outside. Summer? Easy. Winter? It's an exposition. So many clothes. And whoever thought it was a good idea to make kid sized gloves must've never put a fucking glove on a tiny hand that's nerves have obviously not developed enough to make them spread their fingers, 5 of them, into the 5 damn holes. It's worse than trying to dress a Polly pocket. Mittens. Mittens until they're 16. Or they figure out how to put it on with zippo help from me. Plus, the giant winter coat makes it so they can no longer put their seat belt on themselves, because they can barely move. Which means I have to stay outside longer, because he won't put his butt in the seat because he thinks he saw a gobstopper roll under the passenger seat. This is annoying. 

Ice. Ice comes from cold. Ice was fun when I was little. When I ran to slip on it ON PURPOSE. Ice is not fun now. Walking into a store, a little slip, and you pull a groin trying to regain your footing. Kids have he right idea. They just fall. Then we say-quit foolin around! Get up! That's gotta be better than a pulled groin. But if grown people fall, most of the time I'll laugh. And I know someone would laugh at me, so I make every effort to NOT fall, and carry on like nothing happened. Being a grown up sucks. But not as bad as ice. Ice also sucks because it happens on roads. Where I drive. And that is just an ass puckering moment when you go to stop, and you're not fucking stopping. You have no control over when that damn car stops. Then it does stop, and it's such a freaking relief. You feel silly. Until the next stop sign, when you remember too late that it's icy. I hit our mailbox once, just slid right into the damn thing. Knocked it a little off its base, only needed a little fixin. I told husband, and he said "what did you do that for?" Yeah. Well, It flipped me off, and I didn't like it! Fuck that mailbox! Fuck the cold!