Infomercials will most definitely be shown on high tv. The really ridiculous ones. Billy Mayes shit. The one for the hand held sewing machine, that shows a woman trying to hold up a real sewing machine to fix her curtains. While they're still hanging. Doh! Or for the pot with the lid that has holes in it. Her family is all seated at the table waiting for dinner, and she goes to drain the pasta and dumps it all in the sink. Her family disapproves. She's the worst woman ever UNTIL she gets the holey pot. Then her family loves and appreciated her. A miracle! They should call it the holy pot.
Speaking of holy pot, husband read that 37 people died of marijuana overdose on the first day of sale in Colorado. Which means the anti-pot community is just getting desperate with their advertising. No one dies from pot. You may have to remind yourself to breath from time to time, but that's only because you are hyper aware of the fact that you are already breathing! They need to get the reefer madness production team out of the drawing room. The only reason they don't like pot is because they've never tried it. Or because they did once, but it was laced with pcp, then they flipped a Volkswagen upside down and punched a cop. While I can definitely see why that would suck, no one is trying to legalize pcp. That would be retarded.
Which brings me to my final topic: snow. White, glorious, devil in disguise, fucking snow. I hate snow. I hate cold. I need to live somewhere that I can have as little clothes on as possible. And fuck shoes. I couldn't leave the house, today. And I won't be able to leave for two days because our culdesac has a drift in it that could sink the titanic. And then there's the wind chill. Go outside for 15 minutes, and they'll have to amputate your face. If husband had a heart attack right now, an ambulance wouldn't be able to get to our house. Wait a minute.....
No. No! I would totally shove a bottle of aspirin down his throat until they arrived. Two days from now. Juuuuuust trying to help.
Anyway, I fucking hate snow. I love sledding, for the 5 seconds you're going down the hill. It's awesome! Unless it's super powdery snow, and you're in the front of the sled. Then you look like Santa Claus when you finally stop. Hope it's not because of a tree, or patch of bushes, because sleds have a mind of their own. I don't think they like us sitting on their backs and smashing them in snow. So they try to kill us, by suddenly turning towards the giant pile of dead tree limbs. Or at least poke our eye in. After all that fun, you have to go back UP. Carrying an awkward sled. And mother fuck if it slips out of your hand when you're halfway up the goddamn hill. Weeeeeeee all the way down it goes. Fucking great. Like my thighs weren't burning enough from mountain climbing in Herman Munster boots. And then there's the snot. The never ending snot. Shoot all the snot rockets you want, do the best cleanup job you can with your glove, you're still going to look like a snail in heat molested your face. AND sledding is dangerous. Me and Amis stole someone's old fashioned metal and wood sled , and took it to the biggest hill on the golf course. We didn't see that there was a little golf cart road going thru the middle of the hill...until right before the iron runners of the sled hit it. Sled stopped dead. Not us. We went much further. I thought I broke my arm, I was stuck in an orange green protecting fence. We were both fine. But I laughed so hard I pissed myself. You have too many clothes on for that nonsense. My pants could've frozen, and then I'd have to have a frostbit labia removed. Then people would start calling me one lip slick or something. And my feelings would be hurt. So people, please, don't allow yourself to be pulled in by the cool image of sledding. Fight that peer pressure! Sledding is dangerous, and it kills.
(This message brought to you by the Anti-Marijuana Coalition of America) (who also now is against snow, specifically enjoying snow) (AMCA-ASSES) (.com)
No comments:
Post a Comment